If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm too high and old for this...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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