peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
