When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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