it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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