i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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