Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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