Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
