i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We need to get me chipped asap
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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