I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
