I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
