You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
