2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
