Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
