On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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