I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just fell off a train. Bad.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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