i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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