That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
