WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
