Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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