she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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