Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
