I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
