Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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