No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
