Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
