Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
