Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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