dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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