I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
