Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
