i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
