Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
