mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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