I need help removing her.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
