i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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