Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's shark week go big or go home
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
