come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
