What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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