What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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