Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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