you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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