you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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