moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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