Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
