He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
