and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
