It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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