I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
