I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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