just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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