I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
